Raindrop Pendulum
by Keyzuzu
Summary: "If you can't find yourself.. You will never find me." - First Fic w/favorite pairing yay. More focused on the plot than the pairing but still hope it satisfies ;] R&R. Feedback loved!
1. Under Gray Skies

Hey guys. This is my first ever fan-fiction on here, but don't turn away yet! ^^ I'm hoping to write a lot more and get a lot better at being a short-story author, so please take a look and let me know what you think (: I love any kind of review, whether negative or positive, and feedback is always much appreciated ~3

A HxH implied shounen-ai story inspired by my wandering mind in Senior English class, lol.

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-_ I'm Really Not Okay_ -

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Sometimes, I think the sky is listening.. Listening to my thoughts and my pain from way up above. And sometimes, when my heart falters that extra half-second as I face the front of the storm, I think he hears it. Along with the painful gasp of frozen air that follows my decision to keep on living with that plastered smile.

He hears it all.

- _But I'll Smile for You_ -

* * *

The morning was frozen into a state of drudging, numbed light that seemed to soak the positivity right out of everything, and return with it a somber attitude that steeped over the little unevenly paved town, and sponged the color right out of the air, turning everything a bleak and empty gray. No one dared peek out at the day yet, nor did they stir from their luxuriously padded beds, for it was much too gloomy a Saturday for waking from their welcoming beds to even be considered, let alone for work to be done. Barely anything moved, except maybe the hunters who worked there or the occasional passer-bys, and those that did stir did so without feeling, or energy; it was a motion that could be considered that of the walking dead.. Monotonous and dry, as though the motivation they once held to take steps with a life-like vigor had been sapped from them completely.

It was, as Killua had said earlier, utterly depressing. And despite Gon's usual positive light, he most unfortunately had to agree. The town seemed too dull, like a sketch that was never painted, because the artist lost motivation for the piece. It saddened Gon, but also made him feel a bit nervous, like it was suddenly wrong to just go waltzing in with his usual zeal.

But Killua didn't notice Gon's sudden change in atmosphere, and hopped down off of the perch where they had been inspecting the area, starting to make his way into town. Gon hurriedly scrambled after his best friend, and trying his best to forget about his earlier concern, smiled and forced his way to the front, clasping his hands behind him and jeering his usual bright smile at Killua.

"Ne, Killua. Do you really think Ging visited here?" Gon inquired, walking backwards with his hands supporting his head, trying not to look too concerned.

"I'd hope so. The informant said that your old man used to visit a friend here. But I really don't understand why he'd want to hold a reunion in a place like this.." Killua gestured around, obviously down-put by Gon's father's choice of vacation spots. "I mean this place is so .. gloomy."

Gon made a sour face. "Yeah, it's kinda cold here too. But I guess he wanted to meet him here because of how remote this place is."

"Ahh, I get it. Staying-under-the-radar and all." Killua said, shoving his hands into his short pockets to warm them up.

"Yep." Gon replied, putting on a fresh new determined face. This is how it's always been: a game of tag that would take all Gon's effort to play. If his dad ever made it easy for him, the game would lose all meaning.

They continued their trek down a steep, winding trail that led to the mouth of the town, where two large arches gaped down at anyone who approached, as if daring them to set foot within city limits, which set Gon on edge. He tried not to seem too weary though as they neared the stone arches.

Just as they were within reach of the city limit, Gon hesitated and impulsively sniffed the air. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but something felt really off. As though ahead of him there was a trap he would not be able to escape.. Something told him if he went in there right now, he either wouldn't come back the same person, or wouldn't come back at all.

The stone archways glared at him as though they expected him to flee back the way he came.

"Gon?" Killua turned. "Are you okay?"

Gon tore his gaze from the stone arches and gave a weary smile, hoping he didn't look too flustered. "Yep, just fine." he lied. "Let's get going before it starts to rain!" he urged, quickly snagging up Killua's hand and dragging him past the evil-looking entryway, before he himself could change his mind.

"Ehh? It's going to rain?" Killua questioned, watching his friend's back as Gon pulled him through the empty streets. It wasn't really a question though, more of a rhetorical statement. Killua knew how sharp his friend's nose was, and wasn't one to question Gon's senses.

"Man now we have to find some place to stay for a while." Killua pouted. He and Gon both shuddered at the idea of having to stay here for much longer. Somehow.. they both got the feeling that there was something strange at work here.

Gon continued forward, dragging Killua behind him like a doll as the messy white-haired boy pulled out his phone with his remaining hand, and began searching up good places to stay. "Oi Gon, Slow down a bit!"

Gon didn't respond, but he did let go of Killua's arm, and had stopped to take a look around. They had somehow managed to find the one green place in the entire town. It was a small, serene little park nestled in between a few of the taller buildings the town had to offer. They weren't that large, maybe four or five stories, but they still practically towered over the rest of the inhabitants. As for the park, it was extremely cramped, and poorly mistreated. The trees had been cropped too short and were growing at odd angles. The grass was wild and unkempt, littered with cans and torn bags of food the residents had left. The fountain was rusted over and didn't work. And most sad of all was the rickety swing set, which looked like it was used more for wood-carving practice than actual swinging.

While Killua continued browsing through local hotels on his phone, Gon meandered over and gazed at the nearly shredded swingset with mild interest. Some of the wood carvings had names and little hearts, but others weren't quite as cute. Many had utilized a full vocabulary of profanity, while others were just people's signatures. And a few of them were just weird phrases carved out of sheer boredom, or inspirational quotes girls probably carved out in their spare time.

But one in particular stood out to Gon, and as he reached out to rest his hand against the ravished wood, a peculiar feeling washed over him, and a single tear slid from his cheek. It was carved out in immaculate detail, and in a curvy, old-style script hand-writing that seemed impossible if it wasn't done by a professional. But what struck him most about the carving was not it's style, but instead, the actual words that had been written.

"If you can't find yourself.. You will never find me."

Gon's world began to spin out of control, and his balance seemed to fail him as the words carved onto the swing washed over everything else. Of course he knew who wrote this. It was obvious. But why..? Gon took a step back as the world lurched from underneath him, and he grabbed his face in one hand as a piercing splinter entered his mind.

"Gon..? Oi, Gon..!"

Gon tried to respond but his words were lost as the air rushed out of him, and the ground came to meet him with one swift thud, turning everything black.

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Thanks for reading ~ Chapter 2 is next.


	2. Monotone Doubt

Woot! Chapter Two! ;] Hopefully you guys liked the first part. It only took me a day to write, but I've been working on this chapter for a while, lol. Time for things to get good, so enjoy! ^^

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- _Sometimes I wonder why you're so close_ -

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I used to lay awake at night, and wonder at certain things. Sometimes it'd just be a question of meaning, and other times I'd wonder what it is I should really do with my life. Is there something that only I can do? Is there someone out there that only I can be beside? Do I have a purpose? Or am I meant to stay here, & brave the day-to-day routine, without any real motion?

Can a person really live like that? Ne, tell me..

* * *

- _& yet so far _-

* * *

"Killua" Gon breathed.

... But he wasn't there.

Gon awoke to the sounds of rain pattering against the glass, lightly tapping into his dreams. He wasn't really awake. Just sort of drifting in and out of consciousness; sometimes listening for Killua, and sometimes dreaming of the mysterious silhouette of a figure that was supposedly his father. But in between the drifting, he was also thinking.

Thinking of the words he wished he never saw, and wondering if Killua had seen them as well.

Oh, Killua.. Gon had almost forgotten that recently, his best friend had become a little distant.. And more than anything, this frustrated Gon, but it also saddened him, and with each passing day that Killua left him alone.. The hole in his chest deepened, and the pain in his heart intensified. Gon didn't really know why, but Killua seemed to be growing more important to him each day, becoming less of a friend and more of a.. treasure.. A treasure that could only ever be sought after, but never, ever kept.

Gon sat up and looked around, deciding that he should put an end to his dreaming-thoughts and actually go and find Killua. But as soon as he moved to get out of bed, a hand stopped him, and pushed him back under the covers.

Gon gasped. "Killua!" he exclaimed, and instantly wrapped his arms around the embarrassed silver-headed boy standing beside his bed.

Killua sighed. "Gon you're supposed to be asleep."

Gon let go of his friend and tilted his head to the side, thoughtful eyes boring into his friend's. "Why were you suppressing your aura?" He inquired, brows creasing as Killua avoided his eyes.

Killua shifted his weight, like he was uncomfortable. Gon couldn't quite tell in the dark, stormy-light, but it almost seemed like Killua was.. blushing? "Errmm.. I didn't want to wake you while you slept." He murmured, clearly hiding something.

Gon cracked a smile. "So you were watching me sleep?" Gon said, laughing. He somehow founds this hysterically funny, and also rather cute, since Killua was so completely embarrassed. It was adorable.

Killua gave a purposeful cough. "Anyway, you really should go to sleep. Doctor's orders." he declared, pulling up a hospital release form.

Gon's eyes bulged. "I was in the hospital?!"

"Yep! For a whole day." Killua grinned. "That's quite an accomplishment for not having fought anybody! Can't believe you fainted like that though. What happened anyway?"

This time it was Gon's turn to avoid his friend's eyes. "My dad.. He really was here." Gon said, curling his knees into his chest, and staring at his bed thoughtfully. He didn't say anything else, but Killua seemed to get the hint. This was something between him and Ging, he could see it in his eyes. Something had happened that Killua hadn't grasped, and it was Gon's job to fix it.

Gon laid down and stared at the ceiling with thoughtful eyes.

"Ne, Killua. Do you think I'll really be able to find my dad?" Gon felt ashamed for asking, but the words that were written there.. troubled him.

Killua's eyes widened for a second, bewildered by the fact that the usual stubborn, bright and cheerful Gon was now laying out doubts in front of him. But his surprise quickly transformed into a hysterical fit of laughter, and before long Killua was rolling around on the floor, bubbling with the hilariousness of the moment. Tears were literally streaming from his eyes by the time Gon reacted.

Gon blushed and pouted. "W-What? It wasn't supposed to be funny!"

"Ahaha.. No.. It's just.. I never thought that you would actually ask me that." Killua said, face still red from laughing so much.

"Geez Killua, can you just answer the question?"

Killua settled down and took on a more serious tone. "But really.. of course you will, you block-head! If I ever thought you wouldn't be able to do it, I never would've followed you to see your old man." Killua said, his startling blue eyes settling into a more severe expression.

Gon looked puzzled, so Killua added, "Even if we don't find him immediately, I'll stick through with you the whole way." he assured.

Gon smiled, his tiredness starting to show in his eyes now that his burden had been lifted. "Arigato.. Killua.." He yawned.

_It's you I should be thanking, baka.._

But Gon was already asleep.

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Thanks for Reading ~

Chapter 3 will be up soon :]


	3. Red Raindrops

Hey guys! Back with Chapter 3! Sorry chapter two was so short, but I'll try to extend things a bit with this one ^^

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- _I won't claim your heart like this_ -

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The things I've never thought about are always the most painful. They are the treacherous ends, the sadistically placed consequences that result from our joy. These thoughts which I've never encountered before, these regrettable faults.. They lead me to your sky-held gaze, just as they start to fall... just as they slip from my view.. & as the first raindrop falls, they cloud over with a misplaced gray.. A gray that should never have existed in this all-too colorful world. And as the thud finally reaches my ears, I wake to an even more dull nightmare: a world without you there.

Where have you gone?

* * *

- _not with these death-ridden hands_ -

* * *

The first thing Gon noticed was the cold.

It was sharp against his bones, and dug into him in a million different places, seeping through like poison from a needle point. Gon felt frozen, but in a different sense of the word. Movement wasn't impossible, at least, not physical movement. But he seemed grounded: fixated at the point of each needle's separate insertion. He was more than just cold, he was a puppet, strung up on icy fear from deep within, and left to dry under an absorbant sun, which sucked the heated life right out of him.

At least, that's what it felt like before he opened his eyes. But when he finally mustered the strength to make his lids flicker open, something changed. It wasn't the cold; that was still there. But before, it had felt like there was a light shining on him.. A light that stole away all his vital energy. He could see it beneath his lids; the light of day.

But now there was nothing. Had he gone blind? All there was now was darkness. Steep, smothering darkness that clouded everything, to the point where he couldn't even see himself, let alone where he was lying.

The darkness seemed more like a living mass than an empty space though. It seemed to move, to breathe.. Like a liquid creature that captured lost souls in its deepest bowels. This darkness was simply stripping Gon of his warmth, like an animal would digest its food after having just eaten.

Gon had a million theories racing around in his head.. all of them blatantly simple, and all of them were 100% dreadful. But, being Gon, he decided to try and stay on the optimistic side, and focused instead on whether or not he could stand.

Slowly, being careful not to strain too many muscles at once, Gon turned on his side, and tried supporting his weight on one hand and knee. It was hard, and very painful.. And his legs were wobbling so much that it took him several tries [each resulting in him losing his balance and falling on his face] before he could actually manage balancing himself into an awkward crouch.

But as soon as he took the next step, and tried to stand, he fell again. And after three more tries, Gon decided to take a break and slumped over onto his back to stare into the nothingness.

Gon had to wonder whether or not this was a dream.

Last he remembered though, he had definitely fallen asleep after Killua had reassured him. So this definitely SHOULD have been a dream. But.. it didn't feel like that to him, which is what really scared Gon.

He could feel his every muscle, his every pore, all the way up from his scalp to the pads of his toes. Not only that, but he could feel the pain. It was alive, and squirming around inside of him.. It gnawed and gnawed at his nerves, and made it impossible to ignore the ever-present agony that wormed it's way through his system like a twister that had just touched ground.

It was brutal, and felt more real than any dream ever could. But then.. why..

... "Go..nnn..nn.."

It was a whisper, nothing more.. but it broke through Gon's painful thoughts like a slice of reality.

He froze, instantly reacting to the sound as though it were a sonorous boom. Gon froze his muscles in place, despite the ever more insistent pangs that struck its way through his veins, and perked his senses to their full potential, waiting for the voice to strike again. He ignored the darkness.. the cold.. the pain.. and concentrated. Concentrated on something, anything, that could break through his pain like that again.

It could have been hours, days, months even, for every agonizing second that ticked by. Time was his enemy here, for every beat of his heart was another second he lost his concentration to the pain. The pain was everything. The pain was everywhere. And Gon knew that if he succumbed to it, he may never hear that voice again.

He had to do this.. He had to concentrate..

It was an agonizing 158 heartbeats later before the voice came again.

"Go..nn.."

His eyes snapped open. The darkness. Was it.. blurring? There seemed to be a hint of dark dark gray amongst the black.. Gon coughed, painful shards erupting in his chest, before rolling over, and balancing his weight on one shaky arm and knee again.

"Gonnn.."

Gon took in a staggering breath of cold air, and stood. Shuddering and sputtering, he took a step in the direction of the darker gray shades.. Icy spindles dragging at his arms and legs, tearing at his remaining warmth.

"Gon.. Where.."

Gon, frail and broken, dragged himself through the sea of dark nothingness. His heart pounded furiously with the effort, and his limbs refused to work properly. He stumbled several times, only to stand back up and follow the familiar voice. His breath came in ragged, heaving gasps that froze on his lips and made it hard to speak. "K..

"Where.. are you..?"

"... K.. illu..aa.." Gon didn't realize how hard it'd be to say his name. Each syllable was a struggle between him and his frozen lungs, which he could feel cracking under the heat he'd evoked. He stumbled again, this time with a painful gasp and a thud as he landed face first on the mysterious dark surface.

"..G-Gon..!" Killua's voice resounded now, rippling through the darkness and tearing through the cold. Gon could breathe again. He regained his wobbly stance and hobbled after the voice of his best friend, realizing now that the dark gray shades amongst the blackness were now getting lighter and lighter with every step.

"K.. Killua. Are.. you okay?" Gon stammered, hauling himself further and further into the lighter atmosphere.

"J.. Just fine. You?" Gon frowned, and hobbled faster.. refusing to answer for a few moments in order to regain his breath. The air around him became a haze now, more like a white mist than anything else, and it suddenly became much easier to walk. His pain had almost completely subsided, though he was still freezing.

But.. Killua was lying.

After a few more moments, Gon finally answered him. "Killua.. Don't move I'm coming." It wasn't a direct answer, but after realizing a few things about his encounter in the darkness, Gon wasn't quite ready to tell Killua his current state. Besides, by the sounds of Killua's voice, he was in trouble, and his first priority was to get to him and ensure his safety. Normally Gon wouldn't be THIS concerned, but recently.. he's become more protective.. And no matter how much stronger Killua is than him, Gon would never back down when it came to helping him through a tough spot.

Something happened then. Gon wasn't quite sure what it was exactly, but the atmosphere around him seemed to morph. The air churned in violent ripples, dazing the spiky-haired boy. Gon lost his balance again and fell.. But this time, the ground disappeared right beneath his shoes, and instead of landing on his rear like he had expected.. He didn't land at all. All that was cushioning him now was the violent whiplash of white mist that flew straight up against him, as he free-fell for thousands of feet.

Finally, after what seemed like a millenia, he stopped.

Gon looked around, surprised. He definitely should've made a hole in the ground with a fall like that! But instead, here he was, body perfectly intact, standing on a soft new surface.

Gon would've normally blown his brains out trying to figure out just how he managed to survive.. But now wasn't the time to get overwhelmed. Gon's first priority was to map out where he had landed and find Killua.

Unfortunately though, Gon never got that chance. As Gon turned to assess the situation, he saw Killua, and nothing else.

Killua was the world right then and there, and Gon was gravity. But Gon didn't have the same strength as gravity right then and there, or he would've moved. He would've gotten up, and met the world with arms outstretched. He would've found the problem, and immediately dispose of it. He would've turned back and waved at the world with a smile plastered to his face as usual. He would've lived on like normal.

And he would've saved Killua.

The world, with his back turned, had his eyes locked with the sky. Gon didn't get to meet those eyes.. No.. he never did.. But he could see what they were saying, as if Killua were shouting his feelings to the clouds above.

"I don't regret.. anything.."

These were the words spelled out on Killua's face.. Gon was sure of that much. But what scared him more than the words themselves was the fact that they were fading.. The message that was clearly spelled out on Killua's face just seconds before started to dissolve, and with it, the light in Killua's eyes, as red blossomed from his chest, and devoured everything.

Red was everywhere.. Red was everything..  
All that remained unstained were the gray clouds above as the first raindrops fell..

.. when the sky itself started to weep.

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Yeah.. that was kind of a cliffhanger sorry xD

Chapter 4 will be up soon though no worries :]


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